The 3 X 5 Card Guide to Life

The 3 X 5 Card Guide to Life

I was getting dressed for work when my wife asked, “Are you taking these cards with you? What are they anyway?”

“My 3X5 Card Guide to Life. The idea is to make a card for all those darned things that keep coming up over and over again. Here’s one for my dentist: ‘You may clean my teeth; you may fill them; you may pull them. That’s it! I don’t want any procedures that last two hours followed by a return visit of one hour. Understood? No? Let me read the card again.’ ”

“Did you read this to your dentist last week when she talked you into a crown?”

“No, I caved in. She said she could do one in an hour and fifteen minutes. The last guy told me it would take two hours. Anyway this dentist lets you watch TV. I’ve got a 9:00 appointment-- thought I could catch a couple of Dawson’s Creek episodes.”

“Do you want people at the dentist’s office to know you watch Dawson?”

“Why not? It’s the greatest show in the history of television—and I don’t mind telling them that.”

“OK. Wait a minute--you’ve only got six cards here, but the dentist is No. 17?”

“It sounded like a 17. The cards are part of a W. I. P.”

“Which is?”

“Work in Progress.”

“You are a work in progress.”

"Exactly.”

I retrieved my pants from the bed as our dog, Precious, had stretched out on them while munching a treat. My wife still lays my clothes out for me even after twenty years of marriage. Precious has always thought this an excellent idea. She got off the pants to take up residence on my shirt. I gave her my handkerchief to play with so I could finish dressing.

My wife glanced through the cards. “Are you going to read these to your friends at work?”

“Why not? I’m just trying to be helpful.”

“What if your boss sees them?”

“He’s got a great sense of humor.”

“You keep telling me that, but what about this Card for Management?”

“Oh, that’s a good one. Don’t worry, he’ll like it.” I read it aloud after rescuing my socks from Precious. ‘Please check my job description. Nowhere on it am I described as your glorified gopher.’ That’s telling them, isn’t it?”

“You’ve got a few years to go before retirement; I would watch it if I were you, Buster.”

“I’m glad you brought that up. I did some figuring on my 40l-k—technically I could retire this minute if I wanted to.”

“How long could we survive on your 401-k?”

“If we’re really careful, about two weeks.”


“Dream on, Boy. Your breakfast is ready.”

“Don’t you think the 3 x 5 card guide would make a great how-to book? Can’t you see it being a best seller?”

“Not if you only have six cards.”

“Oh, I’ve just got started. I’m going to cover everything. Even some dating tips.”

“Dating. Now there’s a subject you know a lot about. You’ve always said you’d only been on a few dates before you met me.”

“That’s true. They may have been the worst dates in history. Still I learned all the things not to do. I can tell guys, for example, they may want to be careful about a girl with a tattoo—she may beat you up at the end of the evening.”

“You never dated a girl with a tattoo; and you never got beat up. Why do you say these things?”

“The only reason I didn’t get beat up, it was a double date. The other couple pulled the tattooed girl off me. She left right afterwards—I think she was late for a gang meeting.”

“Sure she was. I think you change that story every time you tell it. You know you’re going to be late for work”.

“That’s OK. I got that covered by Card No. 5: ‘Don’t keep people waiting. Just call and tell them you won’t be there in the first place. It’s only polite.’ ”

“I’m sure your boss would love that.”

“Oh, he will. I plan to read him the one on management today.”

“Not a good idea.”

I rescued my hat from Precious and started out the door. “ On second thought I may not read the cards. It may be time to pretend to be somebody else for the day. What do you think? I haven’t done that for a while.”

“Oh, don’t do that. I know you’re just kidding around, but some people will take you seriously.”

“That’s part of the fun. I think it’s time to play Dr. Phil. Whenever somebody says something I don’t agree with I’ll just quote the good doctor: “What an utter and complete load of crap!”

My wife sighed. “Why don’t you just read the cards?”

“Good idea, Sweetheart.”