Lifetime Plans Movie Network for Men

Lifetime Plans Movie Network For Men

The Lifetime Channel announced today that it is launching a new movie network devoted to men’s issues. A spokesperson explained, “We want to attract male viewers, who probably watch the network only at the insistence of wives or girlfriends”. (Or, as one reporter suggested, at gunpoint).

The theme of the movies will be that men’s problems are caused by women. Network executives explained that the vast Lifetime Library would be the source of the new male stories with a few minor alterations such as sex and name changes. Donna Louise Kelly, for example, would become Donald Thurgood Pendleton.

The Pendleton character will be in The Moment of Truth Series, which will feature a defining moment when the male character realizes that women are no damned good.

The scripts will feature the various women who have ruined the characters’ lives. Many stories will be devoted to “Mom”, who though lovable, managed to screw up every man-child of her own as well as neighborhood boys whom she just stopped to zip their jackets. One overly zealous Mom is shown pulling a grown man out of a taxicab to dab his ears with a spit-laden hankie.

Another script heavy category will be “Mothers-in-Law” who are also lovable, but have a tendency to drive guys nuts. In one script a character wheelbarrows a horse’s head to his mother-in-law’s bed—just a little something to show her how he feels.

Ex-Wives will also come in for plenty of airtime. Divorced, alimony-receiving women will be portrayed as the bloodsuckers they are. This will be distaff side of the Lifetime (male) scumbags who leave the state and never pay alimony, child support, or separate maintenance, which means maintaining someone in a lavish beachfront condo, while the guy lives in a discarded Sears A/C box.

The male characters will have problems similar to Lifetime’s current heroines—they will, for example, be hounded by stalkers and harassed by phone calls from strangers who turn out to be someone (gasp!) from the characters’ past.

Male characters will also be plagued with bad seed sisters who were mean to them during childhood. These definitely not nice girls will show up frequently wanting to borrow money to start their own meth business.

There will also be the obligatory movies where the male character tries to reform an abusive spouse, as deep down, he knows she’s a good person even though she goes to bed every night with a knife and a pistol strapped to her arms.

Sexual-harassment stories will also be a staple. The male characters will be plagued with women who tend to get fresh (as in putting their hands down a guy’s pants kind of fresh).

The network’s press kit stressed that the male actors have had to be educated that this behavior is unacceptable from either sex. And the writers are instructed to write only politically correct scripts with sensitive guy characters that cry when accosted by strange women.

“Why, oh why, can’t they just leave me alone?” one guy character wails in the script titled: Female Professor Scoops up Male Teaching Assistants and Uses them as Boy Toys, or The Gary Sanders Wright Story. (Writer alert: male characters without middle names will be assigned one the first day of shooting.)

Men who have been plagued by women treating them as sex objects, or have been otherwise abused, are encouraged to submit their stories to the new network.

One gentleman has e-mailed that he has a great idea, but is stumped on naming the character. Currently, he is leaning towards Harold Dean Snodgrass.